7 Reasons “Why she just doesn’t leave”
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A recent conversation I had with a stranger highlighted a concerning misconception
surrounding domestic and family violence. “Why don’t they just leave?” was their solution to end violence against women, “It’s their
choice to stay”. This example of victim blaming was a tell-tale sign that they had never experienced it for
themselves, because victims know that it’s not always that easy to leave an abusive relationship.
In theory it makes sense to flee an abusive situation; but tragically, one woman was killed every eleven days by an intimate partner, on average in 2022–23, according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. Unfortunately, there are many reasons why women feel the need to stay, despite their safety being at risk:
Fear
Leaving an abusive relationship can be a scary thing. And just because they leave, doesn’t automatically mean they will be safe. Sometimes victims have been threatened with violence if they were to try and go and fear what might happen next.
Others may be anxious about living independently, especially due to lack of finances.
Financial
Lack of financial independence can make it feel impossible to leave due to lack of money to find alternative accommodation, food and other essential items. This can happen when the perpetrator of family violence controls all of the family’s finances. Victims might also be prevented from finding or keeping employment. Financial support is available, such as the Centrelink Crisis Payment, but women may not be aware that help is available to them, especially if they have also been isolated.
Isolation
Social isolation is another way of controlling victims of family violence, making it extremely difficult for women to seek help to leave their abuser. When a perpetrator deliberately separates their victims from their extended family, friends and society, women are often left with no one to turn to and nowhere to go. Perpetrators might also demand passwords to email accounts and phones to monitor all
social interactions or cut off access to technology altogether. They may even prevent victims from using any form of transport, making it even harder for women (and their children) to get away.
Children
It’s a mother’s natural instinct to protect her children from both physical and psychological harm. If a mother was to leave and take her children with her, the abusive father could demand unsupervised visits with their children, which may put their children in danger. This risk alone may prevent a mother from leaving. Also, the mother may be trying to do what she thinks is best for her children and have strong feelings of guilt if she were to leave and break up the “family”.
Low self-esteem
Constant verbal abuse and put downs can damage a woman’s self-esteem. Victims might start believing what the perpetrator says is true and that everything is their fault. These women may feel unworthy to seek any help available to them.
Denial
Some women may downplay the abuse and think it’s not that bad, or that there’s people worse off than themselves. Others may think they are handling the situation adequately and under the false belief that the abuser will change. Unfortunately, unless a perpetrator becomes accountable for their actions and wants to make a change for themselves, the cycle of abuse will continue.
Love
Never underestimate the power of love. It’s such a strong emotion that makes even the best of us stay in an abusive relationship. Is this reason totally irrational? Absolutely! Nevertheless, some women listen to their hearts, rather than thinking logically.
How can you help?
First and foremost, be there for them. Listen with compassion, empathy and understanding. Let them know help is available. Research information for them and provide names of services and what they can offer, as well as support hotlines to call. It’s not always as easy as it may seem for victims experiencing domestic and family violence to leave, especially when there are so many factors at play. Never abandon a victim if they choose to stay. This is when they need your support the most.
National Services
1. 1800RESPECT
Service: National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service.
Contact: 1800 737 732 (24/7 Helpline)
Website: 1800RESPECT
Details: Provides confidential information, counselling, and support for people experiencing family violence and abuse.
2. Lifeline Australia
Service: Crisis support and suicide prevention.
Contact: 13 11 14 (24/7 Helpline)
Website: Lifeline Australia
Details: Offers 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention services.
3. Women’s Legal Services Australia
Service: Legal advice and support.
Contact: Contact local services for specific numbers.
Website: Women's Legal Services Australia
Details: A network of community legal centers providing free legal help to women facing domestic violence, family law, and other issues.
4. National Domestic Violence Order Scheme
Service: Information on protection orders that are enforceable across Australia.
Details: Ensures domestic violence orders are recognized and enforceable across all states and territories