“Where are all the men”?
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It’s not every day that an event focusing specifically on male victims of sexual assault opens its doors to the community. And it was made clear by the outnumbering flurry of busy women in the room - that not every man feels compelled to attend such an event.
The once-in-a-decade SAMSSA (Service Assisting Male Survivors of Sexual Assault) Forum provides an opportunity for professionals, survivors and the community to join in the discussion on the impact of sexual violence on male survivors and pathways to healing. It wouldn’t be a sexual assault forum without SA’s BFF’s - family violence, family court, the justice, reporting and forensic process.
While the government departments are expert box tickers followed by trumpet-blowing for said boxes, the reality is, their roles in serving victims in their pursuit of justice and healing are yet to be seen in real-time.
NOT ONLY A WOMAN’S LOAD TO BEAR
“Where are all the men”? - an anonymous question directed to the panel at the
SAMSSA forum in Canberra (June 7, 2024). “The system is broken, we do need men with feeling,” said Alister Jones who is the Counselling Services Manager at EveryMan, where the majority of male clients are said to have unresolved trauma from child sexual abuse.
There’s no doubt that men are a vital and missing voice in the gender-based violence discussion as they make up the majority of perpetrators. As society continues to dig deeper in the quest to understand why the number of women and children being murdered and raped by men is rapidly increasing, it is clear that the majority of men have not yet arrived at the place necessary for such vulnerability.
It’s not to say that work isn’t being done, it is, from what was presented at the forum - some men have risen from the depths of despair to break the abuse cycle. The men making it their life purpose to chart a new path for themselves and the community are a rare diamond in the advocacy space.
VIOLENCE FOLLOWS CHILD ROADS LEAD TO
While most media focuses on the tragic outcomes of missed intervention opportunities - they’re constantly missing the point. The conversation needs to start with the alleged perpetrators childhood history of maltreatment. This is the missing piece of what seems to be a puzzle to everyone else, but the victim. The crystal ball is not required if the correct questions are asked and the risk is taken seriously. As confronting as this may be for parents - safety starts in the home and caregiving environments during the early years of childhood.
Will Milne, Australian Bureau of Statistics head of crime and justice statistics, said: “We found that approximately 18 per cent of women and 11 per cent of men have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse during their childhood. This is around 1.7 million women and 1 million men.”
THE CONNECTION BETWEEN ‘BOYS DON’T CRY’ AND VIOLENCE
With an overwhelming amount of research connecting the dots between child abuse and perpetrating violence, it’s impossible to discuss solutions around ending family and gender-based violence without discussing male victims.
A U.S study has found that addressing unresolved trauma is critical when dealing with perpetrators of violence. The study compared adverse childhood experience’s among men with intimate partner violence, non-partner violence, or nonviolent histories. Researchers found that those with an intimate partner violence history had the highest average adverse childhood experience score than the other two groups as well as the highest risk levels of criminal propensity (Hilton, Ham, & Green, 2016). A tremendous amount of research has linked childhood exposures to abuse and domestic violence with later perpetration of intimate partner violence among men (see Capaldi et al., 2012). The cycle begins in childhood and it needs to be at the forefront of the conversation.
The combination of unresolved trauma and a patriarchal world view increases the risk of male-perpetrated violence; as anger very quickly becomes the most overwhelming emotion.
Boys who are raised in homes that promote a “boys don’t cry” mentality have and are continuing to raise men who suffer from PTSD and choose to use violence as their release. This is not to say perpetrators have an excuse; however, they do have a conditioning that causes them to believe that violence is the right choice and that they must be in control of those close to them.
Not all men who have faced a traumatic childhood go on to become perpetrators. However, global studies have repeatedly found that protective caretakers who support and foster healthy parent-child relationships reduce the risk of psychological problems in children after a trauma.
CAN WE PARENT OUR WAY OUT OF THE FAMILY VIOLENCE CRISIS?
There are two separate answers to this. One is for those who are in a settled and safe home and another for those in the family court.
Resources and education for parents who want to raise boys who don’t perpetrate violence are infinite - with most not needing to educate themselves. For the ‘protective parent’ going through the family court; it is their worst nightmare.
They can create a safe home when they leave violence, they can be the gentle parent, the parent who is emotionally aware and is on a mission to break the cycle - but this will not be welcome in the family court. This dichotomy is resulting in children being placed in unsafe environments leading to murder and abuse, in the majority of cases committed by men. On average in Australia, one woman is killed every nine days by a current or former partner.
With horrifying filicide statistics published by the Australia's National Research Organisation for Women's Safety (ANROWS) - it shouldn’t come as a surprise that men who choose violence are a major focus in this crisis.
WHAT IS ON PAPER IS NOT IN REALITY
The Family Courts claim to take domestic and family violence very seriously.
“When making Parenting Orders, the court considers what is in your child’s best interests by considering several factors. Protecting your child from harm including from domestic and family violence is the main thing the court considers.” (Family Violence Law Help)
Contradictorily to this, a parent (who must remain anonymous due to Section 121 of the Family Law Act 1975 - told Lady News that they were threatened that the court would order the child’s “change of residence” in favour of the perpetrator if they continued to take appropriate action to keep the child safe. How can the cycle of abuse be broken if the institutions that exist to serve and protect are a major and untouchable player in the abuse cycle?
This is the only statistic required when responding to the person who says “not all men”.
When fathers kill their children, it often followed a history of perpetrating intimate partner violence. When mothers killed their children, it often followed a history of experiencing intimate partner violence. (ANROWS)
We understand that this story may have created uncomfortable feelings for you. Here is a list of resources you can use to ground yourself or seek immediate help. If you are in immediate danger call 000.
Support is available: you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732 or visit our website for online chat and video call services.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlTC2HBmPeM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5TLdAZ7sTg
https://www.gidgetfoundation.org.au